I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
