I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
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I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
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50% drunk capacity currently
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?