Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Randomize
