how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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