I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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