I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
