who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
