I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
