I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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