she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
