I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
