i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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