no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
