Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
