if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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