somebody snuck up and got me drunk
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
