i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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