Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
