If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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