I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
