Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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