Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
