Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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