THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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