I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
