Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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