My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
