As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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