Apparently you make a good broom.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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