this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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