I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
