Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
