fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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