Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
