Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
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I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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