I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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