I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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