I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
