My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots