So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
