Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
