He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I AM VODKA MAN
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
