Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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