I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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