so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
