Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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