The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
