My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
