Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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