My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
