You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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