Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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