"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
