i love accidental penises.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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