my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
