why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
