listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
