70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
