I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
