They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
