Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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